I'm afraid that I'll spend my whole life searching for somthing I can't have, becasue thats not how i work. for me attraction is like a sickness, for they share many traits: it'll occationally happen to me, and i'll spend time trying to stop it and fight it. i'll never tell a soul, because that would be weak. i'll never have someone that way becuase of me, for i am oh so very careful. After a point it goes away, little by little. thats good. I'm afraid I'll want to love someone my whole life, but I wont get that because I think i might have been built wrong.
people tell me things, but people also lie a lot, and i cant tell if they're telling the truth or not. people tell me i have green eyes, but when i look they're blue. people tell me they want to help, but then they never do. people tell me i'm pretty, but then i feel my face and body, and see it in a mirror. people tell me i need to sleep, but i function fine like this. people tell me they have my best interests at heart, but then they try to break me to make me more managable. people tell me not to change my body, but then they try to change me. people tell me consent is importaint, but dont listen when i say no. people tell me they'll keep my secrets, but then my secrets get told. I have issues trusting people, and no one ever gives me a convorsation about it. they just say if i don't i'll loose my friends. i know that already, i want to trust people. i just can't. and whenever i work up enough self to try, it always ends up hurting me.
People keep saying that they think i have an eating disorder. hahahaha, no. they say they can see "warning signs". THATS what you see signs about? THAT? I'm trying my best to do and be what everyone else can be effortlessly. but i can't. you dont see warning signs about how I get hurt? about how i dont sleep? about how i dont talk? how i dont leave my house for days on end? how i dont leave my room? my bed? no warning signs? hahahahah. funny. I think it's just the people in my life projecting onto me. they DO have eating disorder probobly. they want ME to, so they can pour the love and manipulation onto me that they wish someone would do for them. THEY pick up one the warning signs that suit their taste. that's okay, i'll do that for them. but everytime i get told they'll put me in a hospital, or told they actually worry about me kid, or get told you need to eat or you'll die, or get told i know what kids your age are up to these days, I just die a little more.